Being Outed

I recently had the unfortunate experience that my sister decided to tell my mother that I am a pagan. Of course, this is not entirely true, and I was extremely angry that after sixteen years of keeping my spiritual life out of my family's attention, my sister decided to "out" me without saying anything to me first. We've not had much contact since reaching adulthood, because she doesn't return emails or answer her phone, making it that much worse.

Now, some of the ladies in the Grove told me to see this as an opportunity, and I tried. I really did. I answered my mother's questions succinctly, and waited to see what would happen. A few days later she finally responded, but her message was so garbled with her views on her past and my life with my grandmother, that it is almost impossible to formulate a response. Every time I try, and this may be wrong of me, but I don't want to have to explain to her. Her attitude that I am ignorant of the world and history irritates me, and I don't feel compelled to defend when I doubt she will understand. She's fine with the magick part, and adding Mary, but the opinion of Jesus as never having been a human being and the Hellenic deities-these things would not go over well. She seems to think it is paramount that she not tell my step-father, but it's not her business to tell either. Why can't she see this? Why can't they both just keep their mouths shut?

So here I am again, trying to see this as an opportunity. For a long time now I've known I was meant to do something, and by this, I mean something meaningful for the other Mary lovers. I wrote the article on Collyridianism, and hope to see it posted online in a month or so (which is how long it takes), but I know there is more.

When I was a child I wanted to be a priest. I was so upset when I was told that 1) I wasn't Catholic, and 2) I couldn't be a priest because I was female. Of course it was suggested that I could convert, and become a nun, but I was offended by the latter suggestion. I didn't want to be a nun. I knew enough about the religion to know that nuns weren't allowed to teach, that they were Brides of Christ, and subservient to the men. So that was my first experience with misogyny, although I would like to point out that I don't believe all men in the Church were misogynists, even after the creation of the hierarchy. There is enough evidence of men who saw women as esteemed for me to not fall into that trap, but the over arcing message is still pretty clear. Women don't rate as priests.

What to do? Well, for years I kept my mouth shut on the topic, because I was too young to do anything about it anyway. I studied, learning about other religions and their views on women. For the most part, I wasn't impressed. My mother was present when I bought a copy of Merlin Stone's When God Was a Woman. She was disapproving, and even mentioned that's how my step-brother got involved in Satanism. For the record, he's Wiccan, and finally came out to her last year about it.

When asked now, I try to make my path fit into a short title, but it's hard. Philomarianite Shadow Gnostic or Shadow Pagan is usually how I term it, and then wait for the staring that inevitably comes along with it. So, what does it mean?

1. Mary is the Goddess, the Eternal Mother, and Queen of Heaven. She is an eternal virgin, but I mean this in the Hellenic sense of the word, a woman that is independent. She does not need men, particularly after the birth of the dying God, her sun. She is the Triple Goddess, for we see in her in the Bible as having all the aspects of the Pagan Goddess. Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Even more is seen if one looks at Apocryphal books.

2. Jesus was the traditional Sun God. The NT tries very hard to make him the fulfillment of older prophecy, and in so doing, proclaims him as the Morning Star (a title he interestingly shares with Lucifer). He is also the Sun of God, which is why the apostles number twelve, not including the Magdalene. There are twelve signs in the zodiac, and the Magdalene is the Moon. She shares this with his Mother, i.e. the Eternal Mother. Jesus is born at what was traditionally Yule, a date he actually shares with a collection of Pagan deities (such as Mithras, Zoroaster, and Horus to name a few). After initiating his ministry at a very young age, he disappears. He isn't seen again until he reaches his adulthood, and dies as the sacrificial God a few years later. It is the cycle of death and rebirth common to Pagan myths, and the Christians created their own mythos with many Pagan elements as their base. In addition, this is why Joseph suddenly disappears from the picture. With Jesus as an adult, Joseph's presence is no longer necessary for the cycle to reach completion, and he just fades away.

3. I will not go so far as to say that every ancient religion was matriarchal, and that men then came along and "messed things up," but it does seem likely that the first religions (ones we have no knowledge of yet) were focused on worship of the divine feminine. Later, we see a gender power split in the Phoenician, Sumerian, and other earliest known civilizations. Of course, not everyone sees gender the same way, and I think that because Mary was my figure of Motherhood and femininity, Athena was my more masculine counterpart to that. At least, in regard to her place in warfare. But Athena's was also the realm of crafts, and I remind myself of this when it comes to my own magick working, which is a Craft as much as any other is. It takes study, skill, and frequent use in order to maintain or exceed each level. Since they are also both virgins, this is in keeping with what I believe was originally followed by most societies.

4. The family deities, being darker, are my balance. We converse and interact on a wide range of topics, but they're my advisers. They're the ones that pick my brain, and we deal with the heavy issues that come my way. If Mary is my figure of serenity, and Athena my figure of intellect, then Nyx, Thanatos, Eris, and the rest of the family are my feelings. They're the embodiments of my emotions, the ones I don't possess myself, just as they were for the Greeks. Nyx, as the mother, is the leader. She had a mate when she desired him, but was also a virgin in her standing alone. The children answer to her, and so we're back to the autonomous feminine figure of authority.

So where does that lead me? Three figures of the divine as preeminent, with any male deities being answerable to these female leaders.

Does this mean I think all men should be answerable to women? No, not at all. I also don't think that just because we all start out as female, women are the superior of the two.

Does this mean I think men should be excluded from religions with these women figures as supreme? No, although I do believe divisions should be made for purposes of work, religious practices, etc. i.e. I think there should be some religious orders that are gender differentiated, because there are some things women will not say in front of men, and vice versa. I don't, however, believe they should all be that way. There should be various options available, and the person decides where they fit into the scheme. This also allows for those that are transgendered or gender neutral to participate in ways just as meaningful as the individuals that identify as male or female.