May Day

Normally I don't celebrate May Day/Beltane. It is the beginning of the brightest part of the year, something I generally try to avoid. This year though, I have the spirit, but lack the energy. I've been taking my portable Mary shrine with me to each hotel, and setting up when in those that I can without her getting knocked off. She's accompanied by her little donkey, the dove stone, and my wisdom owl piece of hardened ash that reminds me of Athena.

This isn't a crisis of faith, unless it's meant in the sense that I still haven't emailed my mother, and she's going to start wondering why. She's glad we're talking, but I don't think of it that way. To me, it's just my defending my beliefs to someone that has no business knowing them. She wants respect, but it's hard for me to summon that up for someone that hasn't earned it. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be respecting her for, but if I ask, I'm fairly certain she will get that "tone". Giving me away at age 4? Not bothering to fight for me when she was well again? Forcing me to attend church and be baptized, when I made it clear I wasn't ready for the commitment? Not keeping a steady job once she was married again? Making me pay for all my necessities once I turned 15, so that I had to get a PT job to pay for things like shampoo? As it is, she wants me to move back, and has promised 2k if I do. If I move from here, but don't go back there, no funds.

Sobering, all of it, and right now I need it like I need another hole in my head. Still not able to move back into my condo. I'm tired of living out of my suitcase in hotel rooms, and not knowing if I am going to have time to finish my assignments. I work on them from my job, but that means a lot of interruptions. I'm tired.